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I Admit, Deep Down I'm Controlling

It’s come to my attention, especially in my relationship with Justin (God bless my husband), that my subconscious likes to control things and people when I am scared. My mind tells me that controlling brings me a sense of security and safety, “I know what is going to happen and I limit my risk or unwanted surprises.”

I think controlling helps me, but I am seeing more and more clearly how it is usually hurting me. How? you might ask.. Well, I can easily be disappointed if something doesn’t turn out the way I was expecting, it brings stress and strain in my relationship/s, it limits me in living my life to the fullest, and it leaves little room for me to see unexpected surprises that are little miracles every day.

I am currently in Long Beach for the holidays and I was Tapping this morning on the stress of being in an airbnb with my cat. My mind was racing questioning if I am stressing her out, what if her skin (allergies) get worse because she’s stressed, the bed is high what if she jumps and hurts herself, i'm literally trying to control her to not jump off the bed.. SO MUCH STRESS AND DRAMA!

Tapping calmed me down and the thoughts that came up were, “what if I believed that she’s having fun, what if I believed her skin could get even better! What if I believed that jumping on and off the bed is going to build her muscles and make her stronger..” Then the biggest thought of all, “Carly, what if you just trusted that everything is going to be ok…”

F*ck, doesn’t that sounds nice and scary at the same time?

I started to look back and ask myself, when did I stop trusting? The first memory that came to mind was when I started smoking weed in high school. Weed was a “tool” through my teens and 20’s to "help" me move into a place of less stress and “trust.” My mind could slow down and I wasn’t trying to control anything. If I started to get emotionally worked up over something, I would smoke to calm and if i'm being honest to numb myself. Smoking never actually solved the problem, it only masked what I didn't want to feel.

I am now 7 years sober, which tapping has truly been my God send in a tool to help me through my emotions in a healthy way and get me to a place of “trusting” again.

So why this cat story? I believe because of the intense stress brought on by covid I am noticing I fell back into an unhealthy relationship with trying to control. Trying to control my career, my relationship/s, my life, my health, my safety so that I could feel safe in a time when the world has been feeling unsafe for the last two years.

With things opening up again, it honestly scares the Sh*t out of me because I don’t feel in control, I can’t control others, and honestly I don’t want to be controlled either..

My amazing partner who is a rebel and doesn't like to be controlled, brought this to my attention recently and it's come up in our couples coaching since covid. Times where I want to "change his mind" and do things my way. It sucks. It sucks for him and it sucks for me. It's a WASTE of energy and it's exhausting, disappointing, and ethically not my place to "change him."

I've also noticed that in trying to control I have been living in SO much WORRY AND FEAR, which is not an inspiring way to live.

I keep having this image/metaphor come up which quite literally happened with my furbaby this morning, on this trip. I imagine being a parent and wanting my baby to be "safe and protected from harm." But HOW do I allow my baby to live their life and not suffocate them in trying to protect them, or push them to what I want them to do or be; or restrict them because of my own fears. I imagine a child wanting to be free and wild, but we put them in a box, we start to put restrictions on them, we put our fears on them, our worries, our anxiety, and slowly they start to loose that magic. Can you relate to loosing that child sense of wonder and magic and excitement for life?

When I really think about when I am in flow, THERE IS NO CONTROLLING. I am floating along a tropical river enjoying my unicorn blow up raft, sipping on a green juice and looking up into the sky at the wonder and magic that is life.

I think WE ALL have been living from fear, worry, stress, anxiety, you might even say trying to control these last couple of years. YOU AREN'T ALONE.

And if you haven't been feeling this way, God BLESS and tell us your ways!

SO, what does this mean? I get to do A LOT of tapping around wanting to control things, people, circumstances, events, etc. so I can free myself up from fear, worry, stress, and anxiety. I don’t want to live in fear or worry anymore. I want to live a life of magic, joy, excitement, intuition, TRUST, and miracles again.

Anyone else with me?

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