I’ve recently been having reoccurring dreams about my husband leaving me. I’ve had these dreams in the past, here and there, but since our recent move to Aptos, they have been consistent. They are of course never good dreams to wake up to and always making me feel annoyed, frustrated, hurt, confused, and what the f* feeling. I keep asking myself what it means, recording the dreams and trying to see the themes but I’ve been stumped.
Being the start of the new year, Justin and I played our annual new year games, picking one out of three that are games of game of insights, light masters, and tarot game. We decided on the game of insight to guide us in clarity for this new year of 2023 and how we can best support our dreams and goals for this year.
I highly recommend this game because it offers time of reflection, connection, and insights from outside of yourself. On my turn I moved to a spot that tells me to ask for insight from other players into my issue, before you start the game you share your intention and what you want insights on with the group, or in our case, it was just me and Justin.
He mentioned reclaiming the girl who was lost in Hollywood, which is where we met..
The girl who deeply desired love, success, and money.
I thought I have been reclaiming her, but hearing him say it, I felt a little discomfort and shared I was feeling that way and I wasn’t sure why, but it was a direction that there was still more reclaiming to do.
So why this tangent? Well, if you don’t know me, you wouldn’t know that Justin is not only my current partner, but he was also in my eyes an “ex.” Short story, Justin and I met in Hollywood, we dated for a year and then he met someone else which he decided to be in a committed relationship with her for 3 years, and it shattered my heart because I knew he was the one, even when he said goodbye.
We met in the middle of 2008, and we officially became boyfriend and girlfriend at the end of 2013, and married in 2021.
I didn’t realize how much of my feelings of abandonment would come up when we first officially got together, the deep fear of losing him again, and one day waking up and him deciding he met someone else was so scary. I did so much work in doing my best to forgive the past, and one specific book about Karma helped me immensely in understanding that in this life we have karmic relationships we have to burn. Seeing the possibility that maybe he needed to burn karma with this other woman before he could really be with me was more empowering. It was a soul contract that wasn’t about me not being good enough but the timing wasn’t there yet.
On a conscious level, I know Justin is completely committed to me now and when he asked me to be his girlfriend in 2013 (for context, when we "dated" the first year he never officially asked me to be his girlfriend but due to my own blocks around commitment I never asked and felt deeply uncomfortable with the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend, I always avoided those words when deep down I actually craved them.), but my dreams have been bringing up these fears again and it’s the consistency of these dreams that made me curious that maybe it’s another meaning other than what’s being shown to me.
This morning I pulled out my “Dream Oracle Cards” by Kelly Walden and looked through any cards related to relationships. There is an “ex” card which explores the meaning of “putting back together the puzzle pieces of your soul that were alive back then” “often an ex represents a part of your shadow that needs forgiveness and/or healing. … consider that you are retrieving the parts of your heart you left behind.” “This energy belongs to you…as you reclaim what is rightfully yours, you enhance your ability to love the one you’re with (namely you).”
The wheels started turning and I realized, Justin is not just my current partner, but in my mind, at that time we first connected he was “mine.” So energetically when he left, he became an “ex.”
How synchronistic then for him two days ago, to be the one to share with me that he thinks it’s time for me to reclaim that girl who he first met.
So, I know what I’m tapping on today! LOL. We will see if this reclaim shifts my dreams, because I am READY to dream another story. I will keep you all posted, and this is also a reminder that I am constantly doing the work beside you. It’s an always evolving and growing journey, and I am learning to share my journey more and more in the hopes that my insights can be of service to someone else who might be in a similar boat.
Today's message, is there any part of you that you feel you still get to reclaim?
Helpful Affirmation (from the deck) : "I open love's floodgates, send love to my exes and reclaim the love that is mine."
I share this in reminding myself, but also reminding the whole, that these moments that may feel uncomfortable or unwanted, is always an opportunity to connect deeper to ourselves, bring love and acceptance to ourselves, and reclaim our wholeness. You aren’t alone, we can do this journey together.